Marriage Jokes

Today is the 20th anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda, but first... let me take a selfie.

Honey, look what I found on our son's computer *opens folder of walkthroughs, wife starts sobbing* I'm calling the police

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we're having a burrito fountain.

I'm eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn't get the wrong idea.

Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry

My performance as "guy who acts disgusted when wife says our recently divorced neighbor is dating a 23 year old" is getting early Emmy buzz.

I need to chat with my coworker's husband.. If he was bangin' her properly, we wouldn't have to deal with her bad attitude..

Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

i was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work WIFE: Why ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom WIFE: so kill it ME:[whispering] its got my gun

My wife looks for signs I'm cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do. Me: ok *Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to 'Brandy from the club' then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am. #topahole

[Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*

Isn't it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

My husband's doing that cute thing again where he thinks he's right. *throws his shit out on the lawn* *makes a bonfire*

Wife. "Did you cut the grass?" Me. "Yep" Wife. "But it doesn't look any different!" Me. "I know, we had a lot of rain while you were out"

[packing for holiday] WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.

I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

"Daddy, what happens when we die?" "You get married and have kids"