Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I'm going to try this on my wife.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: *wakes up screaming* Wife: What's wrong? Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again Wife: Need some help? Me: AHHH#Microsoft#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.#Marriage#Dating#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Take your husband's last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You're the husband now.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear? Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Honey, I'm afraid we can't get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay. *looks at Xbox* Thank you sir. You've changed my life.#Sir Youve#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[high seas] FIRST MATE: I can't wait to see my wife again PIRATE: Land Ho! FIRST MATE: Now look, that's a little rude#First Mate#Marriage#Pirate#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen#Bark Wayne#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig's List just a week after we updated our life insurance?#Craigs#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[phone] WIFE: Where the hell are u? ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted? W: OMG M: I'm in a bar not far from there#Marriage#Technology#Religion#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*doctor lifts sheet so wife can identify the body* why is he smiling? "the last thing he heard was that his blood pressure was 69 over 69"#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: did you know there's an "I hate Jeff" group that meets in the park? Me: yes I started it I am the president#Jeff#Marriage#Politics#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"What is your reason for divorce?" She pronounces 'Kansas' like the second part of 'Arkansas'#Kansas#Arkansas#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Smiles from ear to ear. Wife: what are you smiling about? Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard Wife: God I love that dog.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
6yo:You can't eat chips before dinner! Me:YOU can't. I'm a grown man. I do what I want. *Wife walks in*: What's that? Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp