Marriage Jokes

[Home invasion] Me: isn't there anything ELSE you want to take? Burglar: lady I told you I'm married

My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.

[wedding] i wrote my own vows *removes paper* "chickety china the chinese chicken" whoops wrong one *2nd paper* "if i had $1,000,000"

I'm not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Really not sure why people tell me to "be honest" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

[texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)

"This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years

Call me crazy but you can't follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress.

I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says "oh great, dinner and a show." Priceless.

"Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet? HUSBAND: Oh, it's a bit of a fairytale, right darling? [wife is clearly a wolf in a dress] WIFE: Yes.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours

No one is more productive than a guy who's been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you're 35 and realise it's a chilling documentary.

WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it's a talk show THERAPIST: Is this true? ME: *turns and winks at camera* We'll find out after the break

*Neighbor text - Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you're not at home* *Shoots Wife* *Neighbor text again - I mean 'Wifi' not wife*

Wife was talking for a while so I pulled out my iPod & played her off award show style. This did not go over as well as I hoped.

WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much.

Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress. Me. Sure *Snip* There you go. Wife. Thanks. Me. No problem. *Kicks pony tail under bed.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him? Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts. Mine has been gone 6 years.