Wife: You should cut the grass. Me: Yes, dear. W: And, you really need to trim that bush. M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too. W: What? M: Yes, dear.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*On my Deathbed* Me: Tell Tac.. *cough* Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..#Taco Bell#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A man is knocked out during a robbery.His wife and children are brutally murdered- Pixar: Gee it's kinda dark ...Ok a FISH is- Pix: YES.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home! Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good? Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiance is reading her wedding vows*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS3 in return.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don't visit you!#Johnny Depps#Australia#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[hotel] wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks* me: Ok! *wife comes out in lingerie* wife: What'd you pick? me: Space Jam#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can't say no because they're my husband & children.#Husband And Children#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.#Marriage#Sports#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.#Marriage#Work#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.#Marriage#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friend: "Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married." ME: "Wow! when?" Friend: "Me on 27th April and she on 14th June."#Me And My#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp