Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.#Marriage#Money#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can't even dress the kids properly.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Asked for Cheez-its Wife buys Cheese Nips Now she's sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead. Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup. ~White people.#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Greatest days of my life: 3) Day I got married 2) Day my first kid was born 1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games#Facebook#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you want to hide a gift for your husband, just put it in the pantry with one thing in front of it.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"#Owen#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids! Wife: But we d.. *I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats Meet Frank and Dolores#Meet Frank#Dolores#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.#Noahs#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.#Plastic And Tape#Shovel And Pistol#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Girl on Facebook Heyy i have not seen u since high school. Me. It's been a while. Her. Yea been married 6 years now : ) Me. Unfriend#Facebook#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary#Gary#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I'm not allowed to be offended by anything.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wasn't good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I'm starting to look good eh?#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband* Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*zips up tent* [Wife]: What happened [Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh.. *flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: What do you think of my tweets? Wife: They're all pretty terrible. Me: Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say? Wife: You're consistent.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp