Marriage Jokes

*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

WIFE: He thinks he's a news anchor DOCTOR: Is this true ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]

If your girlfriend says she's going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall... You might be dating my wife.

Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Dentist pulled the wife's tooth, she cried. Dentist told her not to put anything hard in her mouth, I cried.

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

wife: "what on earth are you doing?" me: "making a penguin" wife: "that's a pigeon" me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

-gestures to everything in the Garage- Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!! Wife- YOU'RE a tool Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM Wait..what?

Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom Wife: Oh, the kids will love that! Realtor: It's not that kind of playroom Husband: Nice

Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together

It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, 'trophy wife' has become rather ambiguous.

WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn't sound normal.

[doing an identification at the coroner's office] It's not her; my wife has a head.

[first date] ME: I'm from a broken home. HIM: When did your parents divorce? ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.

Like a good neighbor plow my driveway, not my wife

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh...sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he's ok with it when he finds out.

complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

My wife doesn't know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.