My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.#Marriage#Food#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm not saying it would kill me to work out, I'm just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance...#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!#Waiting Room#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: You put the wrong date on this. Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up. Wife: You wrote 1992.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[JAIL VISITATION] WIFE: I got u a cake ME: U know I don't like sugar W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...#Marriage#Money#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he's still wondering what the hell happened.#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said "Get Well Soon"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: don't be weird at the party tonight ME: am i ever weird? [dinner party] CHERYL: how's the soup taste? ME: like the blood of my enemies#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
kid dressed as dog: "trick or treat" me: wife: "give him some chocolate then" me: "i don't want to kill him linda"#Animals#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
i go to a lot of married ladies' funerals and play the part of an upset lover just to mix things up and for free shrimp#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don't think I'm beating her.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife. I'm going to bed. Me. Nooo! Don't leave me alone with the fridge.#Fridge#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel? WIFE: Which one? SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY#St Bernard#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife's been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife [returns home] have you eaten Me: have you eaten Wife: are you copying me?! Me: are you copying me Wife: I Love You Me: I already ate#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you slept with my husband I'd be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp