Me: You're going to disagree with this statement. Wife: No I'm not.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear#Teddy Bear#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband's early morning farts sound like they end with a question mark. The answer is "No."#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn't burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
After a long day at work, I like to spend time at home with my liquor cabinet oh and my wife I guess and that thing that poops.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: "You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you." Me: "I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!"#Marriage#Science0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Discovery Channel is filming a new series about my ex-wife. It is called Deadliest Snatch#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"...any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or..." They're engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook! *crowd GASPS*#Facebook#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.#Turkey#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. 'Don't get married' wasn't on there. Or 'murder.' Stupid list.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hey, maybe one time we could make a sitcom where the husband is out of the wife's league and the wife says stupid shit all the time.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The neighbor's wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today. -I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing.. Wife: OMG [storms off] Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA [Priest faints]#Lydia Priest#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp