Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?#David#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, "My twitter girls would do that"#Twitter Girls#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife says "I don't want to talk about it" that's woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what "It" is#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it's already on? Stop talking in secret code.#Marriage#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*cleans house while wife's out* W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so- M: APRIL FOOL'S *runs around making huge mess til it's worse than before*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him... Like his hairy behind and his wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I ever want to hide something from my husband I'd put it in the dishwasher- he'd never look in there#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon* Wife: Aww, thanks hun! Me: For what? W: Doing my dishes! M: Oh, I didn-- W: ... M: You're welcome.#Mixer And Spoon#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
i have good and bad news Wife: Ok, the bad news? i didn't clean out the garage Wife:*sigh* the good news? [holds up cat dressed as Thor]#Thor#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!#Zack#Marriage#Doctor#Kids+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter Don't wake us up early on the weekend and we won't abandon you in a mall#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Instead of dropping Charlie Sheen, shouldn't Hanes keep him on to promote their Wife-beater Tees?#Charlie Sheen#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats? Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky.. No? W: Really? Idiot.#Animals#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp