Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have#Marriage#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!! PLEASE do not tell my husband#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife. Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I know, right?!!" Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed. Lesson learned.#Lesson#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]#Hitler#Wikipedia#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Only 2 more weeks! My wife promised me that if I kept the baby alive for a year I could get a plant!#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Marriage counsellor: What's the problem? Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad. MC: And how do you feel, Stephen? Me: With my hands.#Stephen#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral. I'm painting Switzerland.#Switzerland#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
- Your Honor, I'd like to plead insanity. - On what grounds?! - I'm married. - I'll allow it.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see "50 Shades". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.#Valentines#Marriage#Holiday0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do* Wife: Where's Brian? Me: [studying her closely] He's... right here?#Brian#Wheres#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Signs your wife is cheating: 1. Weird cologne 2. Emotional distance 3. Late-night abences 4. She introduces you to her boyfriend#Cologne#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Whatchya thinking about? Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.#Animals#Marriage#Science0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?" Dunno. I'll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Fortunately, we've made sure that would never happen today by melting all the icebergs.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp