me: they're having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free wife: so why do you have 4 space jam's? me: ...because it's buy 3 get 1 free#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: "I wish my Wife was this Dirty".#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse#Jessies#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom#Marriage#Religion#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*#Marriage#Holiday#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you're out with your wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My brother in law won't go to Hooters with me tonight because his wife is "having a baby." #lame#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."#Night And My#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*#Fridge#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado#Marriage#Religion#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Relax lady, I don't want your husband. I just want the sandwich he's eating.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night* *wife reaches over* "Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?" *already locked myself in the bathroom*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said "Wolverine's powers suck," did you really mean that#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband hasn't forgiven me for answering 'Okie dokie artichokie' instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, "I do."#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I think I'll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching "How to tell if your baby is black in the womb."#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: "Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia's gold bikini?" Me: [nervously tightening my robe] "Who would do that?"#Princess Leias#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
No, I'm not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn't remove the pit from the avocado, that's between us.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp