Marriage Jokes

WIFE: *motions to me that she's choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Scientists have found that the more beautiful a woman is, the higher her husband's income will be, and the more I already hate them both.

MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much... GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait... Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.

I sealed a fart in a jar for my wife to open because I know how to romance a lady.

[text] "Just saw this! I'd love to go to dinner!" Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now. "Bring 'em! Sister Wives is my jam!"

"Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva?" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch

My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems. Apparently not far enough.

My husband said I was passive aggressive so I punched him in the face and said well, you're half right.

To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay? me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he's seen the remote

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married. Me: That's every culture son.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Tell us a scary story! Ok kids, gather around *holds flashlight up to face And I'll tell you all that is evil *puts wedding tape in VCR

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

[sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church

My wife just bought toilet paper from Costco which is great because later today we're having 3,000 people over to take a shit.

[Bar] me: Gimme one more wife: I think you've had enough m: Last one w: Fine m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess

Wife: "they're disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!" Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?

[bill gates house] Bill: What's on at the cinema? Wife: Let me google it and- *terrified look at bill* Wife: Let me bing it and see.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*

"Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!" *Snatches glass and hands to my wife

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Buble bath WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear ME: Right MICHAEL BUBLE: Are you getting in or what?

My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.