[me holding a door] PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks. ME: sorry, i'm married, but in time you'll get over me.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*#Marriage#Food#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids ME: no wait they do the same thing#Marriage#Lawyer0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: where's the baby? Me: up on the roof Wife: THE ROOF? Me: relax. He's got sunscreen on#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Eighteen is too young to get married. You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*sees cute doctor in scrubs* *falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth! Doc: ... Me: Aren't you obligated to help? Husband: GET UP!#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat.#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him ME: ok [drives to hospital] ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one#Marriage#Doctor#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife's late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She's mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
What should my wife & I fight about tonight? Maybe start with something new then segue into a classic?#Wife And I#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[at a wedding] *bridesmaids walk to stage* 5 year old: Does he get to pick?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said "maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash. Told her I didn't know her sister needed a ride home. I'm bleeding. Call 911#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I'm gonna take a pass#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today... Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything...*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, "Honey, I can't afford to hear about your day."#Chelsea Clinton#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It's so adorable.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp