*wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today. My Wife wasn't. She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse. Odd, we don't own a dog.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: It's time for a vacation. Me: Where do YOU want to go? Wife: Hmm... Maybe the Bahamas? Me: Great idea! And, I'LL go camping upstate!#Bahamas#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I never could have made it to my sixth Twitter anniversary without the support of my wife and kids, whatever their names are.#Twitter#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would've become a lesbian.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Apparently, "I just assumed" is a horrible answer when your wife asks you why you bought her the "heavy flow" tampons.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won't know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don't know either.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If by "chivalry is dead" you mean "I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she's making me do laundry for a week" then yes chivalry is dead#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what's up?#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I tell my wife I'm gonna have to work late she knows it's code for I was playing with super glue and I'm stuck to my desk again.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Relationship status: outside my wife's window, holding John Cusack over my head.#John Cusack#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: The kids opened the "private" drawer in my nightstand. Me: THE drawer? Wife: Yeah. Great. There go our Oreos.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell#Marriage#Work#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Mom, what does married mean?" Taking naps together "Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?" No, that means he's getting divorced#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning? GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN'T REAL: what#Claus#Marriage#Holiday#Santa0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another" -How I Met Your Stepmother#Mom And I#Twitter#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Coworker: My husband's an angel. Me: You're lucky.. mine's still alive.#Marriage#Work#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp