My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.#Animals#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse: If you're hot, she's cold If you're comfortable, she's cold If you're cold, she's not in the car#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt#Marriage#Dating#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: He's starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD... Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE'S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Been married so long it's almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he's even gonna make it to 1st base.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.#Home Depot#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: *reclines* Nice Wife: I still can't believe you bought a used gynecological exam table Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception? [at the same time] ME: Murder-suicide HIM: The chicken dance!#Animals#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Shout out to that old cop in movies, talkin' 'bout how soon he's gonna retire & go sailing with his wife. Dude is about to get BLOWED UP!#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"You should leave your wife..." The secret note I leave on my husband's windshield every morning...#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Just got invited to an "alcohol-free" wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it's going to be a "present-free" wedding too.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it's a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships. Well played future wife. You win this round#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress."#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[on a 1st date] Me: I'm just looking to take things slow Her: *in a wedding dress* me too#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp