Marriage Jokes

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn't like so we don't have to share.

Wife has been adding a little baby oil to her baths, which is cool because I have always wanted to quickly be laying down in the shower.

I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn't understand. I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.

[mall] Me: That guy looks SO familiar! Wife: ... M: Maybe an actor? Musician? W: ... M: I'll get an autograph! W: He's our mailman, moron.

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"

Didn't want cats ... had 2 cats. Didn't want marriage ... got married 2 times. Ok Karma ... I'm on to you. I don't want a million dollars

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

*watching husband sleep* Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-" *husband snores* Me: "I can't live like this."

I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn't want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back so I asked him to move.

Husband: I'm going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax. Me: sounds awesome! H: Will you get them ready for me?

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

I could care less about you but I'm still going to go through your entire wedding & 1st born childs photo album on Facebook. I hate myself

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

[movie night] Her: Can I pick tonight? Me: You picked last time and it was horrible Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?

Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast? Me: "Or"?

Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Wife: What are you gonna do today? Me: Shower. W: ...what else? M: Make a new iTunes playlist. W: Wow. M: Might not have time for a shower.

genie: "thats definitely your last wish?" me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes" genie: "ok" our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"