Marriage Jokes

My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

Wife: You're shirtless? *nods* W: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? W: Listen. You never listen. -Oh

"Did you hire a wedding photographer?" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out me: i wont [shakes priest's hand after lovely wedding ceremony] me: so are you god's boyfriend?

wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought "oh shit, I'm having a heart attack," but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Wife: I told you to slow down. Cop: License & registration, please. Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers? Me: Look underneath them.

*notices wife has 5 asparagus on her plate while I only have 4* everything ok? "fine" [hour later during car ride home] you're speeding

Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great

Pro Tip: On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called "The Many Benefits of Kegels". Is not a great idea. I know this now.

[Morning after wedding] *dead husband lies on bed* PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

[phone call] KIDNAPPER: We're gonna kill your wife if you don't pay ME: *making wind noises* I CAN'T HEAR YOU I'M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked? Me: Sorry I was busy W: Doing what? *cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit* Me: Uh..

First Date: "So, tell me something no one else knows about you." Well, my wife thinks I'm at the movies and you think I'm single.

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

[my work enemy steve reaches in the basket of muffins my wife made] don't do it steve "hey everyone come watch me eat brent's wife's muffin"

Melania Trump doesn't want to live in the same place as her husband. More than half of America feels the same way.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

they say if you love something let it go but tell that to my dead husband I dropped into a volcano from this helicopter and he'd disagree

ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she's on her last 3 turns on Jenga.