Marriage Jokes

ME: Off to the concert with my friends WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me [later] ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

[at work] "Mornin, Margaret." "Mornin. You're late today." [looks at watch] "Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?"

Woman hits me with her shopping cart. I apologize. Another woman hits me with her cart. I apologize. Being Canadian is like being married.

*walks in at 3am* Wife: OMG, what happened? Me: I was attacked. [front door 5hrs later] Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

"just great, I've lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse" -A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Looks like my wife snuck a love note into my pocket which is pretty cute, although I don't know what "DNR" means.

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

When I was 20, a stranger ran up to me in the street and said we should get a divorce. That set the tone of weirdness for my adult life.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.

ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle. WIFE: I'm only gone for two days. ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet

I'm actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history

Wife: Did you want to go to Comic Con? Me: *Google searches 'Is Emilia Clarke going to be on the Game of Thrones panel at Comic Con'* "No"

[3am] *nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he's like a million years old.

Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be

my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE

[wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

*toddler screaming in car seat* Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home. Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Even the stick figure woman on my wife's back window has a headache.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire* calm down brent just call a tow tru*I'm already shooting flare gun*

"I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope

I got my hair cut this morning and my wife still hasn't said a thing about it. omg, I'm so mad right now I can barely breathe.