Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don't want my own husband, so I sure as hell don't want yours.#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[At dinner with wife's friends] Me: may I chime in Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes- *my bag dings a little as I unzip it*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding] lol a horse drawn carriage? "what's funny about that?" a horse can't hold a pencil karen#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don't know when or where it is#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission] Houston we have a problem I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK#Houston#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A magician's wife gives birth to a long series of brightly colored scarves#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[ice cream parlor] WIFE: I'll have two scoops of vanilla ME: me too, u could say I want an WIFE AND CLERK: please don't ME: ice cream clone#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm not saying she's worse than my mom... But my wife doesn't seem to like any of my girlfriends.#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife lost a bet and is now mowing the lawn. Well, not so much lost a bet as married the wrong guy.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"911" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat "how far apart are the contractions?" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill. Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Tip for teens: If you're buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He's told every other person on earth and I didn't want y'all to be out of the loop.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[black jack] DEALER: 14 ME: hit me D: 16 M: hit me D: 23 M: hit me D: M: D: M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front W:What one in front? *angry bees are just everywhere*#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy#Beyonce#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Weekend in NYC with my wife] Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend? Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue#Nyc#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* "May divorce be with you" "What?" "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun"#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp