Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

WIFE: get down here! ME: *from telephone wire* I'm with my friends WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings? ME: *to bird next to me* they're real

Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos

can we have one night where you don't act like spiderman "ok" [hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife's purse] "don't look at me"