*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I'm terribly sorry but your husband overdosed on Flintstones vitamins" "oh my god...is he ok?" "I'm afraid not. he...yabba dabba died lmao"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that's how the fight started.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck. My wife still came home. Superstitions are stupid.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*#Marriage#Driving#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.#Cologne#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said I'm picky. I said obviously not picky enough. Anyone need a roommate tonight?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That's when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake...#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?#Marriage#Science0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife and I can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she's digging in her heels.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either#Carols#Carol#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife just sent me a text " I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)" .....I hope she misspelled Xbox#Marriage#Holiday#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The average Canadian couple says "sorry" 112 times in their wedding vows#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*dresses like a kitty* *climbs tree* *waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.#Marriage#Holiday0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I'd like to make a toast." - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp