"Playing hard to get huh?" I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.#Facebook#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said her new addiction is goji berries but I'd prefer she get addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.#Twitter#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband getting dressed: Me: Purple and green don't go together. Husband: It works for the Joker. Me: My point exactly.#My Point#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife: "Can you pass me the stud finder?" Me: "You're the stud finder!" *deep, awkward silence* Me: "Here it is."#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he's been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce#Ring And You#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today#Marriage#Food#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted#Marriage#Doctor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you me: *giggles* wife: me: wife: ...go ahead me: "do do"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Janet's boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi Wife: He looks nothing like him Janet's bf: [tapping on car window] Don't forget about Gandhi#Janets#Gandhi#Marriage#Dating+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.#Marriage#Sports0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife#House Really#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.#Marriage#Kids#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*sees cars lined up outside church* wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding? me: What's the difference?#Marriage#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife just said "burgs" instead of "burgers" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp