Marriage Jokes

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

If at first I don't succeed, I've already met my wife's expectations.

Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?

My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.

My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."

I lost the birth video of my son so I'm at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I'll just zoom in close so my wife won't be able to tell.

Remember to keep the 'inmate' in 'intimate' by getting married.

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it's married.. so it'll just get drunk.

My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.

Sometimes I'm right. Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.

Wife: Do the dishes Me: Can't. Holding the baby Wife: Take out the trash Me: Can't. Baby Wife: Change the baby Me: Can't. Doing dishes.

Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*

Wife: Where are the kids? Me *turns off router* [from down the hallway] HEYYYYYYY!!!! Me: They're in their rooms.

Me: goodnight kids Kids: goodnight dad Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.

If u love someone and they don't love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband's surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

ME:John's coming over for dinner. WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John? JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

*lowers head *breaks thru 5 tackles *hurdles lineman *runs 100 yards *hamstrung at goal line *dragged back to line of scrimmage -my wedding

I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.