If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
In case you wondered what married life is like, my wife is yelling at me for making her forget why she was yelling at me.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you're my only hope" "use divorce, luke"#Luke#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Am I grotesque? Me: No, angel cake! Wife: Why did you call me a cake? Me: Cake is round? *runs *#Angel Cake#Marriage#Religion#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife] GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY- [helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I'm a dead person]#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""#Animals#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
9*picking his nose* wife:Get your finger out of your nose! me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.#Marriage#Bar0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ten times I've watched that episode of Friends where Rachel has the baby, just so I'll be emotionally ready when my wife delivers tomorrow.#Rachel#Marriage#Kids0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.#Marriage#Parents#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Don't forget to get married because a non-existent supreme being wants you to go against your primal nature.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[prehistoric times] MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter DAUGHTER: So I gather#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it] Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.#Closet And My#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp