"His and hers" gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"#Marriage#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*wife comes home* "Did you fix the toilet?" Yep! [she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums] "You called the plummer again you idiot!!!"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.#Marriage#School0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".#Marriage#Dating0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: "If I die first, I want you to remarry." Me: "Wow. Do you really hate me that much?"#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friend: You're going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay? Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you're not going to share ME: I am not going to share#Marriage#Food#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband thinks it's really weird I only like green bananas and I think it's really weird I have a husband.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.#Marriage#Technology#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends? Me: your mother, why? W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.#Marriage#Work#Holiday0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. At least that's one thing she has in common with my wife.#Marriage#Dating#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches. Anyway, enough about her... ...back to drum practice.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome] well hello there mister home wrecker#Zac#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp