Marriage Jokes

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons "speech impediment" was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today. Co-worker: From Star Wars? *goes home* Wife: How was your day? Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

I lost my voice. If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

My wife says I've placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

I just asked my friend to come over and "play husband". He's gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: "That's mathematically impossible." Anyhoo, we're divorced now.

Beeped my horn at this cute guy who walked by. He shot me a dirty look. He's playing hard to get, but I've started planning the wedding!

can we have one night where you don't act like spiderman "ok" [hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife's purse] "don't look at me"

My wife and I play trivia pursuit a lot, it's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she's too busy judging the hot chick.

"But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' " Genesis 19:26

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I'm gonna sting him BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

I'm convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind

My wife doesn't have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I'm not allowed to run away with

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real

Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.

If more than one mouse is mice, then more than one Spouse is Spice.'

Just found where my wife hid my birthday present! How'd she know I wanted a one-way ticket to Miami with some guy named Rico?