I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet.

[kitchen] "Please pass the bee-nut butte-" *wife glares* "-the honey"

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".