I need to get my shit together. It's in little piles in my kitchen & then there's some more in my wife's closet.

ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza WIFE: so you're not going to share ME: I am not going to share

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".