Marriage Jokes

Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

I thought I typed "twitter" in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail....

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn't notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"

wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep

[couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*

Wife: What's the Harlem shake? Me: I don't know, I think they sell them at Burger King?

My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."

[day 38 on the ark] NOAHS WIFE: we're out of food NOAH: don't worry, i have a contingency plan UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."

Wife: you're drunk Me: no'm not Wife: I'M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE Wife: Me: ok lil bit

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday? Me: not answer any more questions.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it "the house"..

Black Friday is when Kim Kardashian shops for a new husband.

[Victora's Secret] Wife: You're the most supportive person I know. *A person made of bras walks by* Me: Um what about that guy?

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. Me too, I replied.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her

*ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"

My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no