Apparently telling someone you'll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you Henry VIII: New phone who dis Anne: Your wife Henry VIII: Lol which one#Anne Boleyn#Henry Viii#Anne#Marriage+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read#Animals#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: Do you love me? 13: Silence Husband: if you don't tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.#Marriage#Sports#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I'd secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*wife sees me crying* Her: What's going on? Me: The kids gave me this *holds up Dad Is #1 mug* W: That's sweet H: Sweet? They think I'm pee!#Marriage#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt. THERAPIST: Is this true? PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT'S TRUE I'M A BALL OF NEEDLES#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: YOU changed the sheets?! [flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere] me: Surprise!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Sometimes I picture my wedding and other times I take off one pant leg stare into nothing for 15 minutes then take off the other leg#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If it helps, a lot of the awful ones are either married or gay, too.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead 911: did u murder him? BLACK WIDOW: uh 911: ma'am BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*#Marriage#Technology#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?" - Mary Magdalene.#God Mary Magdalene#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Don't you think the yard needs to be mowed? (from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house) Me: It looks fine to me#Google#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya#Marriage#Religion0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Although I'm not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I'm not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Get Married... Then you'll never have to make a simple decision alone again.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Look iPhone, if I wanted to be constantly be corrected today, I would have stayed home with my wife#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
CAUTION: Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name "WIFE". Never save it as "Wife 1" & "Wife 2".#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp