PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part#Dr Dog#Animals#Marriage#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Many people are surprised to hear I'm married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*#Phones And Microwave#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn't want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My husband asked if I've heard of Justin Bieber. Then he hooked up the horse and plowed the back 40 because he's Amish, apparently.#Justin Bieber#Animals#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"You lie like a doge!" I tell my wife. "So deceit!" I add. "Very fraud!" I mention. "Much fiction!" I point out. "Wow," she says.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader.......#Ella Fitzgerald#Darth Vader#Ella Vader#Marriage+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the "shout" song says "a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I go shopping with my wife she thinks I'm bored because I'm looking at my phone the whole time. But that's exactly why I'm not bored.#Marriage#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden? Me out of breath with no shoes on: I'm not sure.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks, "Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Well, well, well. If it isn't that thing I told my wife I already did.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Today is the anniversary of legal abortions in the US or as the coat hanger industry calls it, Black Friday.#Marriage#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.#Marriage#Work#Holiday#Dark Humor+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like "sorry I'm married" then it's "leave me alone I'm married" I mean which is it#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room.#Marriage#Food0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish#Marriage#Money0🔗 ShareWhatsApp