When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.

Legless parrot A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ""Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"" The parrot says, ""I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."" ""Holy shit,"" the guy replies. ""You actually understood and answered me!"" ""I got every word,"" says the parrot."" I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."" ""Oh yeah?"", the guy asks, ""Then answer this -- how d…

Tim the Conductor Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him. Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and …

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?