FBI Jokes

Corny Xmas Jokes Heard these on the radio this morning... 1. What do you call Santa Claus When he doesn't move? 2. What did the guest sing at the snowman's Christmas party? 3. WHY is a lion in the desert like Christmas? 4. Who's working at the FBI on Christmas? 5. What do you call an old snowman? . . . . . Santa Pause, Freeze a jolly good fellow, Because of its sandy claws, Mince spies, Water,

The CIA had an open position for an assassin The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man …

Working With The FBI The phone rings at FBI headquarters. ""Hello?"" ""Hello, is this the FBI?"" ""Yes. What do you want?"" ""I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."" ""Thank you very much for the call, sir."" The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings …

Does the FBI really investigate aliens like on the X-Files? No, that's what the INS does.

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency,…

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the r…

Osama is back Osama is somehow alive and decides to laugh a bit at the rest of the world. So he writes and sends a note to president Obama. On the other side of the world Obama gets called out of his conference. His assistant says in a quiet voice: ""Mr. president, sir, we have bad news... We have received a message from Osama Binladen! He is still alive!"" - ""What does it say?"" - ""370H55V 0773H"" Obama is clueless. So he sends this message to his secret service... They are clueless as well..…

The FBI sends an agent to infiltrate the IRA They know that he has to pass him off as Irish, otherwise they won't accept him. So they send him first to random cities, where he learns the accent, the mannerisms. Few weeks later he starts to learn how to speak Irish. He spends some time in the Gaeltachts (Irish speaking areas) of Galway, Mayo, Kerry. All grand, nobody suspects a thing. It's now time to travel up to Belfast to meet his IRA contact. They meet and he speaks perfect Irish with the per…

Old Arabian Guy in New Work An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a respons…

Andy & Sally An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they had shared where Andy had carved 'I love you Sally!' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, and not …

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at Area 51 the US Airforce high security ""secret"" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded & the pilot was interrogated. The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy. Th…

EA just announced this amazing FIFA 16 feature - player is now able to run from the FBI

Why couldn't the FBI find Sepp Blatter's bribe money? He used it all to bribe Canada to host the Women's World Cup.

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:- ""370H SSV 0773H."" Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:- ""Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down.""

My girlfriend works at the FBI, but she got really disillusioned with the whole thing, so she cut back on her hours and got a job part-time job with a freight company, shortly after that she told me we were no longer working... Now she's my FedEx

Two guys join the FBI And for their last test their supervisor hands them both a guns, he tells them that there is a person behind a door strapped to a chair and blind folded. He tells them to go in the room and kill him the person that does passes the test and becomes an FBI agent. Little do the two guys know that the gun they were handed has blanks in it (Not actually a bullet only makes the sound of one being fired). The first guy goes in he points the gun at the man in the chair but can't pu…

A man was arrested at Kennedy Airport today... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ""Al-gebra i…

A man was arrested i Kennedy airport today.... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. ""Al-gebra i…

So the FBI, the DEA, and the Chicago police are looking for a bear ... This bear has been up to no good - it's suspected of running a major meth lab, money laundering, and even murder for hire. The authorities think the bear is hiding in some woods near Chi-town. The FBI go into the woods first. After a few hours, the agents come out. ""No bear in there,"" they say. ""He got away."" Then the DEA give it a try. They search the forest for 24 hours but find no suspects. Finally, the Chicago police …

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as ""Area 51?"" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their ""secret"" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI backgroun…

FBI offers to help France investigate the terrorist attacks. So far, they think North Korea is behind it.

FBI responds to increased number of botched investigations resulting in civilian casualties By adding a new definition for ""botched"" to urban dictionary; successful

No one believes seniors... everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved ""I love you, Sally."" On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at the…

Attorney General The attorney general decides to hold a contest to see which organization is the best at policing. SO he gets the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD together, and tells them ""I've released a rabbit into the wilderness, find it, and bring it to me."" So the FBI goes in, and two hours later, they come out, and the Agent In Charge says ""We found the rabbit, but he had committed no crimes, so we let him go."" AG says ""Bull, you didn't find the rabbit."" So the CIA goes in, and 4 hours lat…

""Talking Dog for Sale"" A man is driving down the highway and sees a sign off the road that reads: ""Talking Dog for Sale. Next Exit."" He has some time to kill and is curious, so he pulls off the exit and follows the signs. The signs lead him to an old farmhouse where an old man is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The main gets out of his car and says, ""Excuse me! I'm here about a talking dog"" The man nods his head and says he's around back in the doghouse. The man walks to the back …