FBI Jokes

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man…

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:- "370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:- "Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agen…

The FBI have a job opening for an extremely undercover position Over 50000 people apply, and they manage to rattle it down to a final 3. They are then given their final task, they will be put in a room with their wife, and they must kill them, and they give each of them a gun which they tell them to use. The first man goes in, and they here sobbing, after 5 minutes the man and his wife comes out, the man still in tears, telling them he couldn't do it. The second man goes in, and once again th…

The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes i…

The FBI are doing an experiment to test the level of people's patriotism ... They get three married couples and separate them, placing the men in one room and the women in another. They ask the men if they would shoot their wives for their country and all agree they would. They hand the first guy a gun and tell him to go and shoot his wife. Guy walks in the room with his wife but he just can't do it. The FBI agent takes the gun back and tells the couple to leave. They give the second guy the gu…

Little bit of dark humour for you! The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'Y…

Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office... Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The m…

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your …

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest... The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist. The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming." The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best.. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exis…

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances." Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never …

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:…

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" "Yes, Dave."

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the f…

There used to be a really successful baker that lived in my town. He made bread from all sorts of different vegetables and sold the recipes as downloadable files from his website. But one day, totally out of the blue, he had to shut down. I saw him in the pub, drowning his sorrows and curiosity got the better of me. I walked over and said "Excuse me, aren't you that online baker? Would you mind sharing why you had to close? You were doing so well!" He said: "Well, I started with carrot bread,…

FBI looking for an assassin (Long) The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'Y…

At 22 years old I got assigned my first task with the FBI I was to infiltrate a dangerous gang that has had the FBI's interest for years. I was successful in gaining their trust at first, letting me into their home and play in their nightly games of monopoly as they talked about their plans. Soon though, I was starting to become aware of their growing suspicion of me. For my own protection, I decided to leave, but not before first planting a bug into the dice of their monopoly board so I could…

A little Government joke I came up with The President invited all of the government agencies to his birthday party. He sent everyone an invite with an RSVP of either “Confirm” or “Deny”. His cabinet told him “Sure, we’ll be there, but we must advise you to make the party fun!” The Secret Service replied “We follow you around anyway, so we might as well.” Congress took a vote and decided, via a two-thirds majority, that they will be attending. The FBI responded “We will have to do some inve…

Village Idiot One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?…

Donald wasn't lying back when he said his properties were worth whatever Saudi's would pay... The value of the Mar-a-Lago was once Billions of Dollars. But then the FBI removed all the Top Secret Defense Documents!

Action The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the for…

The FBI never fails... The phone rings at the FBI headquarters: \- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” \- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbor's house. \- "Hey, Clifford, did th…

Where were you last night already? Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next da…