Walmart Jokes

I went to a self defence class last night and the instructor told me to ""take him by surprise and attack him"". So when I saw him in Walmart the next day I threw a can of beans at his head.

Tony and Tori were walking around town. . Tony says, ""See that building over there. They make plastics there. All kinds of different things."" ""Like what?"" She asks. ""Well, they make plastic fruit. Things like apples and bananas and strawberries."" ""Really? Are you sure, Tony."" ""Yes Tori."" He says. ""I'm sure. They also make toys for the Sea World gift shop. Things like plastic dolphins, whales, and sharks."" ""Are you positive?"" She asks. ""Yeah, I'm positive, Tori."" Tony says. ""They…

A man buys some cologne before a job interview... A man quickly headed to Walmart before a job interview looking to buy some cologne. Not knowing which one to buy, he asked the employee which fragrances were purchased the most by other customers. The employee directed him to five standard fragrances, all of which the man then bought. However, not knowing which one in particular to put on, he doused himself with a mixture of all five. His job interview later resulted in him getting hired, despite…

On my way home... I stopped at Walmart for a couple items...looking at my phone, my buggy jolted and I heard some cussing. I looked, here I knocked a midget down. I apologized and asked if he was alright. He said ""I ain't happy!"". I looked at him and said ""well. which one are you?""

What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart? 7 tees, 30 eggs

Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart? They prefer a Target.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at Walmart? ...it's ok, he woke up.

A Mexican immigrant goes to Walmart. A few days after entering the United States, and after days of walking, a mexican immigrant who does not speak English goes to WalMart in order to get some new clothes. He looks confused so an employee tries to help him out. First they go to the shirts, but the Mexican, shakes his head; then they go over to the pants and he again shakes his head. They move on to the next section and he gets very excited: ""Esso, si que es!"".

WalMart is closing down 269 stores in 2016 Due to this, 17 cashiers will lose their jobs.

The profiteer and philosopher A woman walks into Walmart and confronts the manager training new employees. Woman: You must be a profiteer. Manager: I guess but how did you know? Woman: Well, you learned about the immense problem of unemployment and apparently thought wow, a cheap source of labor I can use to cut costs! Manager: Fair enough. You must be a philosopher then. Woman: Yes! How did you know? Manager: Well because unemployment has been around for ages and appears intractable and you've …

An 90-year-old man goes to the doctor... After the examination, the doctor says ""For a man of 90, you're in remarkable shape. How old was your father when he died?"" The old man looks offended. ""I never said my father was dead. He's 115."" The doctor is shocked by this. ""A hundred and fifteen?"" he gasps. ""That's amazing!"" The old man smiles. ""He still lives on his own, walks around his neighborhood every day, volunteers at the Veterans Hall and has a part-time job as a greeter at Walmart.…

So I found out about this huge magnet near my house. It's called a Walmart and it pulls all the fat people in my town close to it.

The Psychic Greeter A man walks into Walmart and finds the manage. ""Can you help me out? I really need a job."" The manager replied ""I'm sorry but you'll have to fill out an application and get an interview before that."" ""I really need to start today."" The man says ""I'll tell you what, if I talk to a couple of customers today and you're impressed with my work will you give me a job?"" The manager shakes his head and tells the man that its policy to apply first again. ""Seriously,"" the man…

my chilli fart.... went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cup…

I drove up to Walmart in my new Mercedez... And as I got out of the car I dropped my golf tee on the ground. An old lady comes by and says, ""Sir, what is that there?"" I respond, ""Its a golf tee, it holds my balls while I drive"" The old lady says, ""My Lord, what will Mercedes think of next!""

Longest Joke Ever. (Worth reading) A corn flake got a new job working at Walmart. Every month, there were company parties that he went to. One month, a pretty frosted corn flake was at the party. He went over to her to start a conversation, but before he said anything she said ""Ugh, i only talk to frosted corn flakes. Leave me alone"". The corn flake was sad, so he looked online to see how he could get frosted. There was a frosting machine in his town, but it was pretty expensive. So he worked …

To the man in the wheelchair at Walmart. You may have stole my camouflage jacket. But just remember, you can hide but you cannot run!

TIL Walmart is the richest company in the world by revenue This is the right sub, bitches!

Chris Hansen loses his job and has to get a new job as a cashier at Walmart ""Why don't you take a receipt?""

Why does WalMart have so many handicapped parking spots? Because they want to have some available to customers too!

I returned some shorts to Walmart and bought a pizza, with the credit I had received, to share with my wife... She kinda ate my shorts.

A terminally ill woman comes to visit her priest in the miswest one last time... ""Father, I would like to tell you my wishes for how I plan on leaving the mortal world."" ""Yes, Betty. Tell me."" ""I would like to be cremated."" ""Unorthodox, but ok."" ""And I would like my ashes to be buried underneath the women's health section in walmart."" ""Excuse me, miss? Why would you do that?"" ""So my sons visit me twice a week.""

What do you do if you're smoking weed in the walmart parking lot and you see a spaceman Park in it bruh

Walmart is banning sales of the Confederate flag Well, there goes 95% of their buisness

My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart She's the Texas Chain Store Massager