Walmart Jokes

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.

I sure do feel a shitload more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: "you have a dog?" Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

One fun way to describe Facebook is "imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart."

[in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I've never felt more beautiful.

Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

There was no Mrs. Noah & the ark was lonely, thus explaining the evolutionary mishaps you'll find at Walmart.

Shopping at Walmart to test my immune system.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

*walks into Walmart wearing pants* Walmart employee: Shit, corporate's here

Good is the enemy of great. Sponge is the enemy of math. Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I'm not approachable or one of their kind

nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.

Hate when Walmart doesn't have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo