Walmart Jokes

Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday. Everyone's invited. Except Harold. HE said I'd NEVER find true love.

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I'm a great husband

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn't realize that you could get them in bulk now.

I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

So is Walmart a verb now? As in, "I'm out of clean underwear, so I'm going to have to Walmart it today."

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

There's both a McDonald's and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.

my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Completely true. I think it makes for a great joke My husband wrestles with being the only man known to mankind to be able to muster the most sulphorous and nose bleeding farts with nothing but the consumption of water. I mean these bad boys send me flying out of bed at night to escape the torment. We were in Walmart the other day and decided to split up in order to keep our time at Wally World to a minimum. About ten minutes go by and my husband comes racing down the aisle laughing so hard tear…

Poor Cat So where i live we have a neighborhood cat. His name is Jimmy. One Sunday morning my dad was mowing the lawn and was in a pretty angry mood due to my mom's crazy chore list. So as he was cutting the lawn near the bushes he hears a loud MEEEOOOOWW. I myself was shooting hoops in my driveway when i heard Jimmy yelp. I ran over to find my dad holding the tailless cat. I ran inside to grab a towel and off we go to the closet vet's. But it being Sunday morning they were closed. Off we go spe…

A man is sick and tired of his marriage... so he decides to have his wife killed. He goes into a bar in a shady bit of town and asks the barman ""Know anyone who can get someone... you know... *sorted out* for me?"" The barman directs him to Arthur, sitting in a corner on his own. The man goes over and asks if he's Arthur, who replies ""Call me Arty"" ""I need you to get rid of my wife"" ""Ok, tell me where and when"" ""She'll be at Walmart, at about 4 pm tomorrow, wearing jeans, a green t shirt…

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm When she remembered her dad's advice: ""If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."" Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, ""Lady, why are you following me?"" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, ""Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to …

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brun…

I bought a thesaurus from Walmart and the pages were blank.. I have no words to describe how angry I am

Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er

A guy decides to try horseback riding... ... even though he has had no lessons nor prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the guy begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck but he slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipp…

Milk joke Walmart on a sunday night. Place is dead, my dad and I are stopping to grab some milk. Just a gallon. Go up to the cashier, she rings us up and we pay for it. ""Would you like a bag for that sir?"" She asks us My dad's swift reply: ""No I'll keep it in the container, last time I put it in the bag it spilled everywhere."" First post hope you like it. :)

I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife. But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife. ""She works at Walmart"", I said. He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed…

Was kicked out of Walmart today. When I walked in I saw a ""Wet Floor"" sign. So I did.

CNN & NBC news report (political humor) *Breaking news* A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan. Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling ""Allah Akbar"" and ""Death to Infidels"" while shooting people before police came and killed the man. It is troubling that the man was killed because without questioning hi…

They say if you love something you should let it go... So why am I going to jail for leaving my kid in Walmart?

What's Trumps favourite super market? Walmart.

I was really disappointed with Walmart There were only four of them in stock.