Walmart Jokes

Dropping my kids off at Walmart with a dollar each to entertain themselves for a few hours.

I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.

My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter. Mom's kind of a slut.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart* "hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?" "YES. AISLE B, BACK"

I think if I was blind I would enjoy Walmart.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

So far it's been an, "I look okay enough to go to Walmart but not to go to Target" kind of day.

I was so shocked when my girlfriend called me a lazy piece of shit in Walmart the other day that I almost fell off my motorized scooter.

The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.

American Horror Story: Walmart Bathroom

Someone wrote "Jesus Saves" in the bathroom stall at Walmart. Evandalism.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

[Being murdered at Walmart] Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can't know I shopped here

what the? why are all the prices $4.20? and where are all the potato chips? *walmart rollback guy is passed out in a box of clearance DVDs*

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Walmart pokes holes in the condoms to ensure customer retention.

If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.

So annoying when Mexican women at Walmart pretend they don't know where the cleaning supply aisle is.

Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

Happy birthday Bob Marley. Shirts with your face on it are now sold at Walmart.