Walmart Jokes

Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target

Hitman Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A ""friend of a friend"" put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ""Artie."" Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that am…

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works. Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint. Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

Oh, you want lame? I work at Walmart as supervisor over produce. Home office has just started emailing us charts with such things as daily sales, top sellers, where we stand compared to other stores in our region as far as first or second or third place, etc. Anyway, there is a section of said paper called ""Messages"". Today is the first day I've received the report. I quote the important message for you now: What do you call a small, whispering vegetable? A *hoarse* radish. :| :| :|

Follow the leader A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: ""If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."" Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, ""Lady, why are you following me?"" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, ""Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot no…

My grandma got me a gift card to Walmart for my birthday. She told me not to spend it all in one place.

My time in Walmart After losing one of my dumbbells, I spent an eternity In Walmart trying to buy the other one. Twenty minutes of searching only to be told they mustn't be on the shelf and 30 minutes spent twiddling my thumbs while they found the last one out the back. Amazingly it was identical to my lost one which was an odd 9kg (I thought i'd never find another one). The 15 minute line to the cashier went quickly as I stood beaming at just how lucky I was. When I got to the cashier she apolo…

Why can't I trust my Walmart calculator? It's always 7% off.

A good 'ole story from my algebra II teacher Mr. Locke (or as some call him MLocke) This will be entirely from the point of view of Mr. Locke; it is not actually me who said this, even though I use the word ""I."" I was just opening the envelope I had received from one of my colleagues. I read the short card inside that said ""please come to my house from a christmas eve party at 9:00."" I went over my schedule in my head to make sure it was free, and sure enough, it was. Christmas eve rolls aro…

Damn it's so cold out i saw woman in two pairs of pajamas at walmart

I have sensitive skin... I have sensitive skin, so I always use unscented laundry detergent and fabric softener. A few years ago, my sister gave me a set of dryer balls for my birthday. They are plastic balls with little spines that you put in the dryer and your clothes end up soft without any fabric softener. I love them, they work great, I use them every load. The other day, I noticed that they're getting pretty beat up, with several of the plastic spines missing. I have no idea where my siste…

I found The Theory Of Everything It was in the blu-ray box at Walmart.

Mom shot at Walmart in Idaho by two year old son It's all over the news. It seems the mother had a handgun concealed in her purse, and her two year old son drew the weapon and fired it at the mother. The mother was black and her son was white. Witnesses have said that the mother had her hands up in a non-threatening pose and told her son she could not breath. Non-violent protests are being held outside the Walmart asking for the indictment of the white son that shot his black mother. Already the…

Forget The Walmart and Amazon scam I have the best price on a PS4. I am gonna need about Tree Fiddy.

Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm... She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said ""ok …

Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself

Yoga pants and Walmart My nephew told me all women have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts.

Asian fortune teller A little old Asian ""psychic"" sets up shop outside of Walmart. Her first client is an elderly morbidly obese lady who rolls up in her scooter. ""I've been having some really bad luck lately. I was hoping you could help me figure out the root of the problem?"" The little old psychic takes her hand, and after probing it like a moldy peach for a bit. ""You cheat on diet? ""How could you tell? "" ""You haf at reast a good four chin""

The Indian at Walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a d…

And Indian guy goes to walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices.He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.He pi…

The woman was sent the following letter from her local Walmart. Dear Mrs. Woolf, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are ""documented by our video surveillance cameras"": 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: S…

666 is the Number of the Beast This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor. We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: * $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast * $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax * $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul * $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast * 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast * 00666 - Zip code of the Beast * 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one p…

Three Brothers My friend Mike and his two brothers Luke and Bill aren't exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer. Just yesterday afternoon they found themselves stuck at Walmart because they locked the damn keys in the truck. Of course Mike and Luke spent the better part of an hour bickering over whether they should run back into the store and grab a coat hanger or to just call for a locksmith. Finally Bill spoke up and said, ""We better think of something quick because it looks like rain and t…

I saw this guy in Walmart... ...who was bashing his head on the border between aisles 9 and 10. He said ""Go away muggle, I'm trying to get into aisle 9 3/4!""

THINGS I LEARNED LIVIN' IN LOUISIANA Enjoy! 1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. 2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Louisiana . 3) There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 of them live in Louisiana . 4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. 5) Onced"" and ""Twiced"" are words.. 6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy. 7) ""Jawl-P?"" means, ""Did y'all go to the bathroom?"" People actually grow and eat okra.…