Us Jokes

The Mexican Magician There was once a famous magician in Mexico lets call him Juan, Juan wanted to move to the U.S. but didn't have the money so he tried to sneak in. While he was climbing the fence he was spotted by the border patrol, so he hid. They told him he had until the count of Three to surrender, But Juan didn't come out of hiding so the Border Patrol counted Uno..... Dos....... *poof* He disappeared without a Tres

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kathleen Wynn, all die and go to hell.(Ontario Joke) While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Tr…

The U.S. will soon have the first first lady that was not born in the U.S. Vladimir Putin

A doctor from the U.S. is visiting a hospital in Scotland A prominent physician is visiting a hospital in Scotland. He's being shown around by the medical director. They take him to the OR, very modern. Then they go to the ICU, where he talks to the nurses. They go to another ward, where there's a long line of beds, each with a patient in it. He asks the first one, ""What are you here for?"", and gets the reply, ""Oh my luve's like a red red rose."" ""OK,"" he thinks, and goes to the next man. "…

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

I've got a joke. The U.S. election system.

Trump wants to build a wall between Canada and the U.S. also Please... please do it... us Canadians will even gladly pay for it

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. ""What part did you get?""

Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S... For Shooting

I run and I run and I run and I run but I don't go anywhere. What am I? A third-party candidate in the U.S.

Great Britains new Prime Minister Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!

An Indian arrives at an airport in the U.S. He wanted to ask a policeman if he could park his car there; he asked: ""Can I bark here?"" The policeman replied: ""Sure. Just don't bite the people!"" Edit: typo.

Got a buddy who's half Cuban and half Mexican. Came to the U.S. on a raft powered by a weed whacker.

On board the U.S. Navy carrier USS George Washington... the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidently left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, ""That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."" The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, ""Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes.""

The U.S. presidency is like my ex. Anyone can get in.

TIL there are 45000 breatharians in the U.S. 44999, # 44998...

President Obama announces his intention to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court ""I can't wait until I'm in a position to have a real impact on the country!"" said an excited Obama.

The US, France, Germany and Canada are commissioned to write a report on elephant mating... [Canadian Joke] Once upon a time, four different countries the U.S., Germany, France, and Canada were asked by the United Nations to publish a study on the mating behaviours of elephants. The U.S. sold the project to the lowest private bidder, who wrote ""How to Make a Million Dollars by Raising Elephants."" The French wrote ""The Courting Rituals of Elephants."" The Germans, in a timely and efficient m…

French Student Pierre just came to the U.S. and was instructed in his English class to come up with a phrase or saying using 3 English words he heard over the next weekend. He first went to the zoo and his favorite animals were the zebras, so he decided to try to use that word in his sentence. While at the zoo, he heard a mother singing to her child,""Hush little baby, don't say a word..."" Pierre decided he would include the word ""baby"" in his sentence as well. Also near the zoo was an airpor…

The U.S. if Trump wins

Ted Cruz wants a 19% federal sales tax on goods and services made in the U.S. The only thing flatter than this proposal : his personality.

A joke about all the leaders of the countries the U.S. has invaded... [removed] > > > > > > From power.

So I got a new job, and at the interview they told me I would be making millions... I'll be working at the U.S. Mint.

It's Thanksgiving week in the U.S., but all I'm hearing is... ...everyone's Russian to get Turkey.

The U.S. instituted a new law after a man dressed as Santa committed a felony. It was called the Santa Clause.