Us Jokes

One Billion Funny Joke According to a recent government publication ... A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator... This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years ....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling. "The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a row" Furious, the American grabs the paper and skims through. Suddenly he starts laughing, so the Russian asks "what could you find? I obvio…

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant... ...on his way in to the U.S. He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay" The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

A guy walks into a bookstore... and asks the clerk, "do you have the new book by Donald Trump about deporting all the Muslims in the U.S.?" Stunned, the clerk responds, "are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here!" "That's it! Do you have it in paperpack?"

A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law, when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice. "Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150". "What about if I want to ship her body back to the U.S.?" - the guy asks "Well sir, that would cost approximately $20,000". The guy thinks about it for a little bit and says "you know w…

"I know everyone..." was on Bill's resume. Was on Bill's resume when he applied for his new job. His manager, Dave, impressed by everything else made a comment. Dave: "Surely, you dont know EVERYONE." Bill retorts: " I do infact know everyone." Dave asks smugly: "Even the President of the U.S.?" Bill nonchalantly pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts seemingly forever and pushes the call button and then puts the phone on speaker. Bill: 'Hey, Mr. President, you there bud?" Preside…

Sisters Two sisters from the mid-west were on a road trip across the U.S. As they were tooling across East Texas they began seeing signs for a town called Nacogdoches. This prompted some heated discussion between the sisters about how the name of the town should be pronounced. One sister was of the opinion that the g was silent and the c h e s part was prounounced like the word cheese. The other, that the gd combination resulted in a soft j sound and the c h e s part was prounounced shay. …

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S. they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

The Pope speeding. The Pope was visiting the U.S. and had spent a busy day in D.C. addressing the U.S. Congress and meeting with top political and religious figures. Afterwards, his chauffeur took him for an evening tour of some of the city’s beautiful monuments. At the end of the evening the chauffeur asked the Pope if there was anything else he would like to see or do. The Pope thought for a minute and then replied “Yes, there is something I would love to do! When I was a younger man I loved…

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system? There would be mass confusion

I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said ""Girls 3-5" "Boys 5-7"

Obi and the never satisfied old lady [Original Joke] Obi just moved from africa to a nice little town in the U.S.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

If you're leaving the U.S. Embassy in Santiago make sure to put on a jacket...

What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border? A Mexi*cant*

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia... Oops...wrong sub

People in the U.S. eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2016

Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!

United States Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs

Two immigrants Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs

I make more money than Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg combined And all I do is work at the U.S. Mint

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States... Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant... ...on his way in to the U.S.

I asked this girl in my class for a rubber... forgot that in the U.S. they call it an eraser