Us Jokes

Why is the Philippines so poor and the U.S. is rich? Because ameriCAN, but filipiNO Asians and caucasians descend from same predecessors, so caucasians are just asians with a `cauc` /r/philippines /r/imgoingtohellforthis

Trump Alien Joke Trump claimed in a recent interview that he'd fund the search for alien life forms. He said he'd start by finding and deporting the ones in the U.S.

So Donald Trump walks into the oval office as the 45th president of the U.S. Title

On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter... He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls. ""Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popular doll by far is Divorced Barbie."" ""Divorced Barbie? What makes her so popular? That seems like an odd choic…

Donald Trump has begun work building a wall between the U.S. and Mexico. It's called the wetback setback.

The south was reported to have more Ashley Madison users than any other region in the U.S. I guess family isn't always enough.

Today I learned that 48% of women in the U.S. are battered... and to think I've been eating mine plain for all these years.

I haven't seen the U.S. drop two on Japan that quickly since 1945

Emmy Awards In the U.S., your program has to win an Emmy. In the U.K., programme already has one.

Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it. This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like,…

A Skunk and an Opossum A Tacuazin (opossum) had just crossed the Mexican border into the U.S. and was amazed at the beauty surrounding him; he mistakenly bumps into a skunk (zorillo). the skunk turns around and says: Im sorry, the opossum bashfully replies: Im Tacua.

I told my dad that I heard the U.S. is sending warships to Yemen.. ""Sounds like some Yemen-aide...""

China has developed a liquid metal that can transform into any shape. While the U.S. has created a breakfast sandwich with Hash Browns now at Taco Bell.

TIL: There is a chemical compound that can be extremely deadly to humans, is most of the time in food, and is not always government regulated. Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are: Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities. Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO caus…

The Scot At A Game A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the U.S. and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, ""Run! Run!"" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: ""R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run, will ya!"" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, ""R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run, will ya!"" The next batter steadfastly holds his swi…

Diggin a hole to China If a bystander watches a person digging a hole in the U.S., they always jokingly ask the digger ""If they are digging a hole to China"". I wonder if a bystander is watching a person digging a hole in Mexico, if they jokingly ask the digger ""If they are digging a hole to the U.S.""

Why do Central Americans hop the U.S. Border in groups of 4 or more? Because the sign says no tres-passing.

The Fairy and the Illegal Alien A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute illegal alien outside the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) Offices. ""My good man,"" the fairy said, ""I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in the U.S. with your wife and seven children."" The man told the fairy, ""Well in Guatemala, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them."" The fairy looked at the man's almost toothl…

We need to protect this country! The U.S. needs to stop these Chinese terrorists from crossing the border and spreading Ebola!

Cops in the U.S. are like vampires They suck, their bloodthirsty, and can't come in your home unless invited!

Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, ""10, 9, 8...""

The world is so full of double standards... A woman tris to sleep with every guy she sees and she's a slut. I try to do that and all of the sudden I'm 'gay' and not allowed in Toys 'R' Us anymore.

The Indian at Walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a d…

And Indian guy goes to walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices.He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.He pi…

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession? Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke: The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **""Secure that building!""** * The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles and secure the hostages. * The Marines will erect a razor-wire perimiter, establish patrols and deny access to unauthorized personnel. * The N…