Us Jokes

The inexperienced curry taster Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. ""Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they tol…

A German, a Mexican, and a Chinaman all come to the U.S. together eager to live the American dream. Ready to work, they go around knocking on doors asking if anyone needs help. An old man answers the door and informs them that he needs a new barn built. The three agree to do it and follow the old man behind the house. The old man explains what he wants and leaves them to it telling them that they'll find tools in the old barn. The German takes charge and says, ""I'll design it and supervise the …

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel. ""I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."" ""I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."" ""No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."" Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink.…

They found horse meat in food in the U.K. ... ... and horse piss in the beer in the U.S.

Cold Cold Canada. There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says ""Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S. They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation. When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most …

The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.

After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.

I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying ""we OWN you!"" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

At Toys ""R"" Us, Barbie and the Chuck Norris actions figures must be at least eight aisles apart by law. After all, it is a children's store.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a ""more humane"" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming …

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. ""We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued,"" Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. ""This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, …

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. ""It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."" She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, ""I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found…

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies ""We have Tennis Barbie and she's $28"" Lady asks ""Well, anything else?"" ""We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28"". Lady asks ""Anything else?"" ""Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250"" The lady replies ""I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Bar…

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, ""I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."" The old farmer replied. ""This is my property, and you are not coming over here."" The indignant lawyer said, ""I am one of the best t…

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set ""L"" of lumber for a set ""M"" of money. The cardinality of set ""M"" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set ""M"". The set …

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. ""We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued,"" Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. ""This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, t…

The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables FL Guam and Honolulu HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month. Which only goes to show: If you build it they will come!

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries cheeses salami anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul you son of an ugly camel where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand par…

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union faced with the same problem used a pencil.

"That's no excuse not to write to your mother." Paddy and Maggy Dunn send their son, Neely, from Ireland to the United States to find a job and build a dream career. Off Neely sails on a freighter, earning his way across the Atlantic as a deckhand. Upon arriving in the U.S., Neely sends his mam and pap a letter, explaining the glorious sights and sounds he beheld. As Neely searches for a job, his letters dwindle in frequency and, before long, cease altogether. Paddy 'n Maggie are concerned, n…

Black Wolf and his tribe (Warning Long but worth it) During the days when Native Americans were being forcibly and systematically removed from their ancestral lands, a small band of Cherokee had managed to elude the U.S. cavalry by using secret refuges in the Appalachian mountains. The only advantages they had were a particularly brutal winter that made navigating the mountains impossible for anyone without an intimate knowledge of them, and the brilliant leadership of their cunning war chief, …

Little Johnny is at Toys R Us... Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're stupid, neither is the car..."

Ghana has eliminated the U.S. from last two World Cups... They're probably Ghana do it again.

And Indian guy goes to walmart An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices.He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat & will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home & returns with a cat & gets to buy the cat food. Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.He picks a dozen …