Technology Jokes

Ugh, I am swamped at work today. *stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours

"My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

if you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

I've just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented "rip". Stop the internet, I wanna get off

i forgot the word "whirlpool" so i had to search the internet for "drain tornadoes"

Mugger: "Hand over your stuff! No funny business!" *I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

I'm at my parenting best when I randomly yell out "be careful!" every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

[inventing dialup internet] What should it sound like when it's connecting? [guy in the back stands up confidently] Pterodactyls

My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I sent it to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Why does my computer always ask me if I'm "sure" about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'

[Gets arrested] Officer: You get one phone call... *hangs up a few minutes later. Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

"I'm sorry I could never do that for you," said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

I received this computer for Christmas yesterday. I'm already ashamed of the things it has seen.

You gotta randomly lift your girl in the air, just to let her know you could throw her off a balcony if her phone ever went off after 11 PM.

After a few days without my phone, I've learned what's really important in life. My phone.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car