St Peter Jokes

A politician arrives at the Pearly Gates.. St. Peter is there to greet him, checks the roster and says "Oh! you're a politician. before I let you in you have to spend a day in heaven and a day in hell." the politician says "Huh? that's crazy. Why? St Peter says "It's policy" "Okay" says the politician, 'Lead the way" St. Peter lets him in. A lush valley appears before him. Angels are singing, harps are playing. people are just relaxing. "Pretty boring" thinks the politician. He goes to sl…

A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven St. Peter asks him if he's done any good. The man says no. So St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery. The man says, "I was refereeing a match in London between England and Germany. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play when I awarded a penalty against England." "Yes," responds St. Peter, "That was a real act of bravery. Can you tell me when this took place?" "Certainly," the man replies. "About three minutes…

An editor dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter informs him "For the sin of clickbait, you are hereby damned to Hell for eternity." "You won't believe what Circle #8 has in store for you."

St Peter wants a day off from the Pearly Gates And so he asks Jesus if he would mind covering a shift. ‘No worries’ says Jesus ‘what do I have to do?’ So Peter says ‘Ah not much, just welcome the souls as they drift through the gates. They will be chuffed to have the main guy to welcome them!’ And so Jesus begins his shift welcoming the good souls through the pearly gates. After a good few million souls have drifted through, he notices one that feels familiar to him. So he pauses the souls pa…

Two chemtrail believers are tragically killed in a car accident. On arrival at the Pearly Gates they are greeted by St Peter, who as he is checking them in says "By the way, as new arrivals you can ask God to answer one question for you before you go in." "Okay," says one of the guys, "could God kindly tell us what's the real deal with the chemtrails?" A voice booms out of Deep Heaven: "**There are no chemtrails. All you are seeing is water vapour from the combustion of kerosene condensing in…

The Meaning of Easter Three men tragically died in a car accident and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them, “You may be glad to know that, because there aren’t a lot of people qualifying for admission these days, we’ve lowered the standards. Just tell me the meaning of Easter, and you’re in.” The first guy says, “Easter is when we decorate a tree, sing carols, and Santa brings us presents…” St. Peter says, “That’s Christmas. You go to Hell.” The second guy says, “East…

Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said “It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?” The first woman said “I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn’t convinced, so I tore through the…

Steve dies and goes to Heaven, where St Peter informs him that he'll have to share apartment with someone else. "You see, it's getting a bit crowded up here", St Peter explains. "What kind of roommate will I get?" Steve asks. "A gentleman from 14th century Mexico." "Medieval Mexico?!" Steve exclaims. "But I'm from 21st century Britain! We'll have nothing in common!" "I'm sure you'll find something to talk about if you try", says St Peter. So Steve is shown to his heavenly home and is intro…

Politician dies walking down the street... While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the lady. “Well, I’d like to but I have orders from highe…

The engineer dies and goes to meet St. Peter St. Peter has a book with him that has all the names who goes into heaven. He checks it but doesn't find the engineers name St. Peter says "I'm sorry you're going to have to meet your final beckoning below" The engineer thinks this is wrong and makes him check again. He checks again and says " I'm sorry your name is not listed here, you've got to go down below" The engineer thinks this is wrong and reluctantly goes down below. A month goes by, as…

A guy dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven… …St. Peter tells him, “We’re getting REALLY full in here, so please tell me something that you have done in your life that’s completely unselfish and deserving of getting into Heaven.” The guy says, “Well, one day I was driving along a backroad when I came across a young woman that was being threatened by a group of bikers. I got in between them and the woman and said, ‘If you want you to touch her, you’ll have to kill me firs…

It was a long day at the gates of heaven, and St Peter was ready to go home The final man in line walked up. He was a little man, wearing a tuxedo which looked like it had been scorched, and he was holding a golden baton. The man's appearance was otherwise unremarkable, but for the gigantic, shit eating smile on his face. "What happened to you, sir?" "I got hit by lightning in the middle of the 5th Symphony." "Well that's shocking. I have to ask... why are you smiling?" "I can finally sa…

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates. (I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership) St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in." Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great poet, so here goes: I went into a foreign land, I saw a sea of burning sand. A caravan was passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu." …

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's Gates when an angel comes to him with a message that he needs to attend to. Not wanting to leave the Gates unattended, he looks around for help. Just at that moment, he sees Jesus coming around the corner so he calls him over. "Hey Jesus, can you help me out? I need to take care of something. Could you manage the Gates for a while?" "Sure," answers Jesus. "Just tell me what you need me to do." St. Peter explains: "It's pretty easy. Every time someone wants…

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into heaven?" St. Peter says "Look I don't make the rules, you're not on the list, that means you go to hell." The engineer goes down to hell and introduces hims…

Line up Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to maker wo lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad …

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the lady. “Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day…

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said.. “You died in your sleep, Harold.” Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!” St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.” Harold never liked swimming and thought that perh…

Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?" The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor." "Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?" The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse." "Of course. Nurses who care for the sick and wounded are allowed. Come in. Next?" The third one says "Michael Davis. I was a hospital administrator and then a health insurance CEO and I supervised hundreds of doctor…

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates... 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. ​ 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped ou…

Pope died and arrived in heaven St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..." The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..." St. Peter: "The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude st…

An Oil Prospector Died and went to Heaven And St. Peter said, "Well, I checked you out, and you meet all of the qualifications. But there’s one problem." "We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over in that pen. And as you can see, it is absolutely chock-full. There is no room for you.’" And the prospector said, "Do you mind if I just say four words?" St. Peter said, "No harm in that." So the prospector cupped his hands and yells out, "Oil discovered …

Heavenly Ducks Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your puni…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "Th…

A couple was going to get married… but unfortunately they had a car crash and died. Before the gates of St Peter they stood thinking maybe they could get married in heaven. So they ask St Peter, and Peter says ”Well it’s quite rare, but let me see what I can do.” So St Peter goes into heaven. As the couple sits for a couple of months waiting for an answer, they begin doubting whether they should, considering the eternal aspects. Another month goes by and finally St Peter emerges from heaven, ve…