St Peter Jokes

A Black guy arrives at Heavens Gates... The man is worried that due to his race, they might discriminate and not let him in. So when he walks up to the pearly gates he decides that at the very least, to better his chances to get in, he can change his name to that of a white person. "Name?" asks St. Peter The man searches for a name in his mind and finally lands on one. "Leonardo DiCaprio" St. Peter gives a stern look at the man and asks for his real name. The man gives him the same respo…

NSFW You're in..... Three Nuns at Pearly Gates. So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter. Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: "I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in". The nuns agree. So St. Peter approaches the first: "What was the name of the first Man?" The 1st nun rep…

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls... and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any…

Where the Streets are Gold There once was a very wealthy man who was near death. He was very upset because he had worked so hard for his riches that he wanted to be able to take them with him... to Heaven. So he began to pray. God heard his plea and spoke to him. "Sorry My Son, but you can't take your wealth with you." "Please God, I have worked so long, and so hard, for so many years. I have lost my wife, my kids, my dog, my health, and my happiness because of it... It is all I have left." God…

A black guy dies & finds himself at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter.... SP: Before I allow you to enter Heaven, you must tell me something truly extraordinary about your life. BG: Sheeet, no problem. I was a star NFL QB for 15 years! SP: One of many. What else? BG: I have 2 Super Bowl rings & 3 MVP trophys! SP: These things do not impress me. Uniqueness! BG: Damn....uh....well, I once made love to a white woman on a park bench during a Ku Klux Klan rally. SP: WOW! Really? Now THAT is ext…

George Bush dies Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter says to him, "Who are you?" Einstein says, "I'm Albert Einstein." St. Peter says to him, "A lot of people pass through these gates, how can I be sure that you're the real Einstein?" So St. Peter gives him a blackboard, and Einstein draws and proves the amazing theory of relativity. St. Peter is amazed and says, "Go in! You're Einstein!" Many decades later, Pablo Picasso dies and goes to heaven. At the gates,…

Free heaven An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Ne…

Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven. However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get …

A young man walks into a bar And sees a horse. Young man: 'Why the long face?' Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways. Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?' Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.' Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?' Horse: 'N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.' Two scientists walk in... Horse: 'Hey guys, first one's on me. What'll it be?' Scientist 2: 'We'll both have water thanks.' Scientist 1 to Young Man: 'What's e…

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven.... The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women…

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven... Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and *poof!* she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and *poof!* she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Alberto Pipalini." St. Peter looks perpl…

Can we get divorced in Heaven? On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and wait…

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets them and invites them in. He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes...any model, any color, just swap them out whenever you feel like it. They get into a Bentley and St. Peter takes them to their new home.…

A dead lawyer lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven. He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!" St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!" The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!" St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose …

A Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're b…

Ray the chicken Ray the Chicken   Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.' Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near h…

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone …

A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident… They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter. Peter: What are you guys supposed to be? A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers! Peter: How come there are so many of you? Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus. Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss. Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne. Peter: …

A Man Died And Went To Heaven. (I wrote this myself): A man died and went to Heaven. He was a believer, but didn't go to church often. St. Peter meets him at the gates and says: "Before I let you in, you have to answer 3 questions." The man says: "Sure, go ahead." Peter first asks: "Who walked on water in The Bible?"The man replies: "Adam." Peter is confused and says: "No! Jesus walked on water! Alright, whatever. Question 2: Who turned water into wine in The Bible?" The man says: "Noah. He m…

3 nuns 3 nuns die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them and the pearly gates of heaven. He says to the nuns “hello ladies, I know you have lived your lives with a complete devotion to god, but it’s mandatory that I ask you each a question before you can enter”. The nuns all look at each other and then in agreement, they nod their approval. St Peter asks the first nun “Who was the first man ?” “Adam” she replied. Lightning flashes, angels with great golden horns sound, the colors of hea…

Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?' "Well," says the fir…

A guy dies and arrives at the pearly gates... He approaches St. Peter at the gates. As he walks up, he can hear a cacophony of beautiful music. While all the songs are different, he can pick out each one, and the music all seems to blend together perfectly. In one area, he can hear Purple Rain playing, and it sounds perfect and beautiful. "Wait Peter, is that Prince??" Peter smiles and says "yes! He plays for us 24/7 here in the kingdom of heaven." The guy is elated. He hears an incredible …

God and Harley Davidson The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so yo…

A guy dies and goes to heaven. He looks around and sees clocks. He asks St. Peter, "What are all these clocks for?" He replies "OH, those are lie clocks, everytime you lie the hands move." "Whose is that?" "Mother Teresa's. Its never moved." "How about that one?" "Oh, thats Abe Lincoln's. Its moved a bit." The man thinks awhile and asks,"What about \[insert politician here\]'s clock?" "Oh that ones in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."