Politics Jokes

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues. The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them. ""We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."" The waitress looks confused. ""So you need 3 beers?"" The president is also confused. ""What the hell is 3?""

The Clintons were driving around Bill's home town A couple of years after Bill Clinton had left office he and Hillary were driving around his hometown in Arkansas. There at a gas station they saw a man who worked there pumping gas who was about the same age as Bill. Playfully Bill asked Hillary what her life would have been like if she married that guy instead of him. Hillary turned to him coldly and said, ""that man would have been president and you would still be pumping gas. ""

I'm voting for Trump... I've never seen a president assassinated.

I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever lives becomes president. Who do I shoot? Myself.

What do you call it when a bunch of stoned poets overthrow the government? A Haiku.

JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history. I think it's because they were so Open Minded.

What is Trump going to build to detain illegal Mexican immigrants if he becomes President? Juantanamo bay

Bill and Hillary are sitting in a limo. As they are in the middle nowhere the driver tells them that they need to refuel. Seeing as there is only a single gas station for miles around the secret service race ahead to secure the location. When the Clinton's arrive they are greeted by the lone gas attendant. Hillary notices him and chuckles a bit as she explains to Bill that he was an old boyfriend of hers. Bill puts on a big grin and says ""Well aren't you glad you married me"". ""Not really"" Hi…

Walking Eagle On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York. She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president. At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left. A news reporter later …

If Trump wins the election, Cher says she'll leave. I like Cher and all, but I think that may be Trump's first big accomplishment. That'll probably double the amount of plastic we export next year. EDIT: Admit it, if you downvoted this joke it was because of Trump, not because you didn't think the joke was funny. You guys need to get a sense of humor. But then again, It's probably hard to laugh when international airfair is so high.

Star Trek Pakistani President Mr. Zardari just finished giving a speech at the UN, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands and walked together in the long corridor when suddenly the Pakistani said, ""You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."" President Obama says ""Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."" The Pakistani whispers, ""My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks…

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump in a hot air balloon Hilary invites Donald on a bury the hatchet secret meeting before the knives come out in the run up. A little while into the trip she springs a surprise on the other President hopeful.. "" So Trump.. I would like you to say hello to our pilot, Pedro who happens to be Mexican, and my assistant, who happens to be a photographer. "" Before Donald has the chance to react the flame feeding the huge balloon keeping them in the sky starts to flicker …

Three politicians are sitting on a private plane... The first politician took out a $1000 note, threw it out the window and said: ""i just made 1 person in our country very happy"". Upon hearing this, the second politician took out ten $100 notes and threw it out of the window and said: ""i just made 10 person in our country very happy"". The third politician pulled one hundred $10 notes and tossed it out of the window and said: ""i just made 100 people in our country very happy"". The pilot lau…

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus? Irritable Brawls in Rome

Adblocking software So these IT professionals were discussing the new internet protection softwares they were installing at work. The first one says ""my new system blocks ads, and with Godzilla level protection refuses to show images with flesh tones."" The next one says ""my new system blocks ads, and with Gamera level of protection checks flesh tones, and filters specific races"". Not to be outdone, the next one says ""My new system blocks ads and at the Seppuku level of protection scrubs you…

The Weiner There once was a Congressman named Weiner, Who had a perverted demeanor. He was forced from the Hill for acting like Bill. Now Congress is one Weiner leaner. Moral: tweet your meat, lose your seat.

A politician dies... And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. ""So, you're a politician..."" ""Well, yes, is that a problem?"" ""Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"" ""Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??"" says the …

Donald Trump has announced that his first action as President will be to reintroduce the Bellamy Salute, not just for the Pledge of Allegiance, but also for the National Anthem and for every Presidential Address. There'll be *Heil Toupee*.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency... ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it…

The US government is taking Samsung to court. They're being charged with a fault in battery.

The breweries of the United States are planning to overthrow the government... It's a consbeeracy!

George Bush met The Queen He turns round and says: As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom' to which the Queen replies, I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King.' George Bush thought a while and then said: How about a Principality then?', to which the Queen replied Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush.' Bush…

The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding... It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

How Shit Happens. In the beginning was the plan And then came the assumptions And the assumptions were without form And the plan was completely without substance And the darkness was upon the face of workers And they spoke among themselves, saying ""It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."" And the workers went upon their supervisors and sayeth, ""It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."" And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them ""It is a container of ex…

Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government... ...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.