Peters Jokes

St Peter, at the pearly gates receives a new candidate to heaven... ... and asks this soul what he used to do when he was alive. ""Well, I used to smoke pot A LOT, like everyday, so that's it."" St Peter is not amused because he does not know what pot is. ""Pot dude.. Weed, MJ, Marijuana, Grass, Dope..."" Still, St Peter never heard of it and tells the dead soul to wait a minute, for he will ask something to the boss. He goes to God's office to ask what Weed was and was surprised to see that eve…

Saint Peter isn't feeling too hot. He's been sick for ages, and the line at the Pearly Gates stretches out as far as the eye can see. One day, Jesus comes by and asks him how he's doing. ""Oh Jesus, I can't take it anymore, I mean, people die like every second, and I'm working by myself and doing all the paperwork, and I haven't had a break in a few thousand years!"" So Jesus tells him to relax, to go take some time off, and he'll cover for him. For the next few days, Jesus sits at St. Peter's d…

A man dies and gets to the pearly gates At the pearly gates he is greeted by St. Peter who is standing next to a ladder that rises up into the clouds. ""Welcome,"" St. Peter said, ""to your great reward."" The newly deceased man stood speechless looking around, trying desperately to process and understand the reality of the view that stood before him. His eyes wandered over to the ladder. As he looked it up and down, St. Peter notices his fascination. He smiles and informs the man that he may en…

3 Nuns die in a car crash... ...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ""Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."" The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions. ""Sister Anne,"" he …

The new priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Bishop how he had done. The Bishop replied, ""When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."" So next Sunday the priest took the Bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he …

Two couples go camping in the woods... Bob and Peter decide to take their wives on a camping trip. When they get to the campsite, Bob says, ""Hey Peter, since your wife has never been camping before, why don't I teach her how to set up camp while you take my wife to get firewood."" Peter agrees and he and Bob's wife go out into the forest to get firewood. Bob gets Peter's wife started on setting up the tents and decides to get some water for the campsite. While Peter's wife sets up the tents a s…

The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... The pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates with the gates being shut and St. Peter nowhere to be found. He starts loudly calling for him and finally after a couple of minutes of desperate yelling a white dove flies over to him. ""What do you want, human?"" asks the dove in a human voice ""Why, I've been a proper Christian my whole life and an earthly succesor of the St. Peter's leadership of all the Christians. And I want to get to heaven! Wher…

A new priest is about to give his first sermon... and he's really nervous about it, so he goes and asks the older priest if he can help. ""Well I'll tell you what,"" says the older priest, ""I'll switch out the wine for a martini so you can calm your nerves before you start talking."" ""Thanks Father!"" says the new priest. After the mass is over, the new priest walks over to the older priest and asks how he did. ""Well... you did a good job for the most part, except for a few things... -Don't r…

Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven. The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says ""Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool"". Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water. He immediately disappears under the surface and th…

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. ""Kids,"" they say, ""you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of."" With that, they send their children forth to find mates. A few months later the first daughter returns. ""Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."" ""Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, P…

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. ""Kids,""they say, ""you're old enough now to go out and find yourselveshusbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to besure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of."" With that,they send their children forth to find mates.A few months later the first daughter returns. ""Mom, Dad, I'd like youto meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho.""""Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter.""…

Getting into Heaven A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. ""Am I where I think I am?"" she exclaims. ""It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"" To which St. Peter replies, ""Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."" Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates. ""Spell out a sentence,"" St. Peter replies. ""What sentence?"" she asks. ""Any sentence,"" answers S…

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back…

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second largest church in the world. The tour guide explained, ""This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."" My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building. Then one girl interrupted the silence with an aston…

This 85 year old couple having been married almost 60 years had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ""oohed and aahed"" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ""It's free"" Peter replied ""this is Heaven."" Next they went out …

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road which turns into a platinum road which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says here is your home for the rest of eternity enjoy! And if there is anything you…

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven... ...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions. 1. How many days of the week start with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir." Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?" F…

My Biology Professor told me this one When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him , as he expected.... there were always "arguments" and confrontations. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to t…

COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth man says very proudly, …

Two friends have a bet over who knows more people Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people. Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera." James: "Yeah, but I bet you don't know the state government." Stephen: What? How would y-- nonsense, you don't know them, least of all the governor." James: "Let's drive to the state c…

Billy Bob applying for a job... Billy Bob is applying for a job at this big company and after the preliminary interview, one of the HR managers tells him: "You know, we'd love to take you, Billy Bob, we really do, but there's so many people applying for this job and you don't have any experience and don't have much of an education - you would have to have some connections to get it." Billy Bob replies: "Well, I know the senator, does that help?" The managers obviously don't believe him, so t…

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy…

The haircut A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in …

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the followi…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.... A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a …