Nyc Jokes

A crane fell in NYC today today a friend told me. I asked if it was Niles or Frasier

In which month is the NYC fashion week? Fabruary, of course.

A black guy and a Mexican in N.Y.C A black guy and a mexican visit the Empire State building and they start arguing about who would land first if they jumped off. They place their bets and fly off the top. Who wins? Donald Trump

Jesus landed in NYC ... And he there he meets a Caucasian man a Chinese man and a Indian man . Jesus walks up to the Chinese man who has a fractured arm and a cast Jesus : ""here son let me heal you "" * touches the man's arm and heals him. * Chinese man: ""Thanka ayu so mach"" . Jesus walks up to the Indian man who has a fractured finger Jesus : ""here let me help"" *Jesus touches the man's finger * Indian man: "" dank you Jesus dank you "" Jesus walks up to the Caucasian man who has a fracture…

Gorilla Romance This middle aged, divorced woman from NY City is having brunch with her friends one day. One of them comments that she hasn't been herself lately. The others agree, and someone suggests she needs a change. The woman agrees and decides she is going to take a trip. The next morning she visits a travel agency, and books a three week trip to Africa. When she gets there she has a wonderful time visiting museums, shopping, and so forth. Finally, as the main feature of her trip, she goe…

What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Tire-less

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says ""state your name and occupation please"" He says ""Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"" St. Peter checks his list and smiles, ""here"" he says ""take this silk robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of Heaven"" Seeing this, the priest comes up and, when asked, booms ""I am Robert Eaton, S…

What's the difference between a yellow cab and a green cab in NYC? The green cabs haven't ripened yet.

A Jew asks for a $5000 loan A Jew walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, ""Okay, jew, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"" The Jew says, ""Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."" The banker, stunned, asks, ""A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"" The Jew is completely positive. He hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at him. They check his credentials, make sure he is the title owner. Everything chec…

A blonde, brunette, and redhead get together for lunch in NYC. Three long-time friends, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get together over lunch at a New York City deli. Since they haven't seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the redhead ""So you went to Alaska last month, right? What did you while you were there?"" The redhead replies ""Iditarod"". Surprised, the blonde looks up from her menu, and says ""Why'd you go all the way to Alaska just for that? Yankee stadium is right o…

How many square feet are in the average NYC apartment? Zero. Feet are feet shaped.

The Anti-Blonde Joke A blonde living NYC goes to a bank to get a $10,000 loan. The bank, of course, asks for collateral, so she offers up her $60,000 BMW. The bank eagerly accepts and the blonde leaves with her cash. She then hops in a cab to the airport, travels Europe for 3 weeks and returns (not having spent any of her $10,000. She goes to the bank, pays back the money plus ~$20 in interest and retrieves her car. She successfully parked her car in a secured lot for 3 weeks in NYC for $20.

The NYC blizzard In anticipation of today's storm, Mayor de Blasio urged the city to prepare for ""something worse than they have ever seen before."" Or as most New Yorkers just call a potential shutdown by 12+ of white, ""a Staten Island grand jury.""

Seeing all those protesters/looters in Ferguson and NYC reminded me of these. What would you call the smartest protester in the world? Mildly retarded. What do you call 10 protesters in a circle? A dope ring. What does a protester use for contraception? His personality. What do you call a protester with half a brain? Gifted. Hey, did you hear about the protester who finished high school? Me either. What does the average protester get on an IQ test? Drool. I once asked a protester how …

It's all in how you say it. Guy is walking down Rivington Street in NYC looking for a place that sells men's clothing cheap, and all of a sudden he sees this sign in front of a store that says: ""My name is Fink and what do you think - I sell clothes for nothing!!"" So the guy thinks well you can't beat that deal, and so he goes inside and picks out two suits, blazers, trousers, the works. When Fink finishes wrapping all of it up, he says to the guy - OK that will be $635. Whereupon the guy is o…

New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola...he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport...eboling

Father Thomas in NYC Father Thomas having just graduated from seminary in Kansas was assigned to St Patrick's in NYC. When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Pastor Sean was out> The mother superior suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC and see the sights. As he's walking down the street a rather scantily dressed young lady walks up to him and says ""$25 for a quickie father"", being rather naive and not wanting to offend her he nods and smiles and say…

Topical Jokes (5/23) Back again to deliver some fresh Thursday chuckles or smirks. Let's check what's in the news. First up, Kim Kardashian is now taking her final trip to Paris before giving birth. It is there she hopes to market a newly refined marbled brie made from her lactated tit squirts called ""Yeezy Cheezy"". Next, as if we hadn't heard enough about Anthony Weiner already. Weiner's NYC mayoral campaign has already brought up more worries of election scandal - like if he carefully stuffs…

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then aske…

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC... Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave …

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title ow…

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

A Blonde Asks For A Loan A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Eve…

I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.