Italy Jokes

The Pope and The Rabbi Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italia…

My dad got me with this one earlier. "So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?" "What?" "ATTSA MY BOAT!"

A joke my art teacher told my class There was a little down in Italy with a church with a bell. The priest would have to run up 80 flights of stairs to reach the bell and ring it to show the people it was noon. Now, the priest was old and could not longer walk up the stairs and ring the bell. He decided it would be best to find an assistant to do it for him. One day the priest put out a bunch of flyers about how he was looking for an assistant and anyone whk was interested should come to the ch…

A Free Trip to Italy A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to…

Explanation of the crisis in Italy & Greece. A small town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built". Soon after, the Italian vis…

A Sea Story A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy,…

Going to Italy A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. "With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Ita…

you dont know Jack Schitt!? NSFW(language) You Don't Know Jack Schitt? Jack Schitt You Don't Know Jack Schitt? Author Unknown Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 chil…

Three men stop for lunch Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor. The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly jumps off the from the 10th floor to his death. Mario from Italy says "I agree - I am so sick of pasta for lunch, if I find my lunch is pasta I will jump off the building and…

One, day little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy where do i come from?" The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time. "Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..." After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child, "Well son, does that answer your question?" "Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy... ...but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

"You don't know Jack Schitt!" Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe …

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian and the Pope spok…

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She tearfully agreed, but asked how to let him know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a po…

Everyone knows Bob. Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day. "Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing. "Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed. After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something. "You sure seem to know a lot of people Bob" said Fred. "Everyone knows me." said Bob. Fred laughs. "Everyone? Hah, not everyone can know you!" Fred says with a chuckle. "Really, ill show you" Bob says confidently. Fred and Bob t…

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good," she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I aske…

At the World Women's Conference... At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The seco…

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy... Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Italy. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind th…

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman...... One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail h…

The Muslim Ban Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti didn't speak Italian…

What is a bigamist? A dense fog over Italy.

Spaghetti sauce For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail hi…

A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

Guy goes to get a haircut [long] Barber says, “so what’s new?’ Guy: “I’m getting ready to go to Italy.” Barber: “Why the hell would you want to go there? It’s so overrated. Nasty place. What airline you flying?’ Guy: “Alitalia, out of JFK.’ Barber: “oh what a nightmare. I flew them once. Old rickety airplane, left late, got there later, lost my luggage. Just the pits. Where are you staying?’ Guy: “The Pensione Mascarpone in Rome.” Barber: “oh I know that place- what a dump. Rats running all ar…

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey” she says, “is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “an Italian girl.” When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “how was the trip?” “Very good” she replies “And what happened to my present?” he asks. Confused, she replies “which present?” “The one I asked for, the Italian girl” he answers. With a sly grin she replies …